Interesting Article

Body language
by Alex Hazell
Why a basic understanding of body language and a direct approach can improve your success rate with men.

Allan and Barbara Pease
You're in a bar and spot a nice-looking guy across the room. You look over at him, trying to catch his eye. On the third time of trying he looks over at you, you maintain eye contact for a few seconds, then look away. You try to repeat the exercise, but he is now chatting to one of his mates/the barmaid. You deduce he isn't interested, comforting yourself that there are 'plenty more fish in the sea' and order another round of tequila slammers.

Sound familiar? Well it could be that the guy wasn't interested/had a girlfriend, or that he just didn't pick up on your signal. Women have around 14-16 areas of the brain to evaluate others' behaviour, while men have only four to six areas, which means that women are much better at reading body language. Allan Pease, co-author with his wife Barbara of The Definitive Book Of Body Language, explains, 'Women have the most signals, it's just that men are really pretty basic and can't pick up on them.'

Attracting his attention
So what is a girl to do? Allan continues, 'Extended eye contact is a good way to get someone's attention, but most men take between three to five gazes from a woman before they catch on! Women need to be a bit more obvious. Your female friends will probably tell you off for being too forward, but it's best to be direct, to the point of going up to them and actually telling them you like them.' Barbara adds, 'Men need training in how to pick up signals. Most men need a female friend to tell them that a woman in a bar fancies them, they just don't pick up on it!'

What men look for
OK, so the bottom line is that it all comes down to basic biology, for example, have you ever wondered why one of your mates always attracts all the guys, while you sit on the sidelines? The good news is that it isn't that she is necessarily more beautiful than you, it could just be that she is better at showing males that she could be available. Overall, a woman's perceived availablity is just as important as her physical attractiveness. So that is a no to crossed arms and legs (you are creating a barrier) and a yes to smiling.

Courtship signals and gestures
Barbara explains, 'Around 60-80% of our communication is non-verbal, so it is often more important than what we say.' Women have many courtship signals and gestures, including the hair flick, pout, hip roll, shoe fondle, etc. Men, on the other hand, have very few, which include talking (when 'on the pull' they discuss things other than facts and solutions, most men's preferred topics of conversation), re-arranging their clothing and, yes, that old favourite, the crotch adjust. Women make the first move 90% of the time, as without encouraging eye and facial signals from women, men won't approach. One word of warning though: don't bombard men with too many signals or they'll become confused.

In previous generations courtship used to be set around organised events like dances, and couples were generally introduced to each other via friends and family. Nowadays the world seems to be in the grip of a singles epidemic and men and women are prepared to pay good money for dating agencies, speed dating, online dating and so on in the hope of meeting a partner. The problem with this is you generally know nothing about the person and, having no connection with their past, you have no one to ask. Barbara says, 'When you go for a job interview you have to provide references and these are followed up, but attend a dating event and meet a handsome stranger, you have no way of knowing that when he tells you, "Yes, I am single and have no kids," he is telling you the truth.' There may be no background checks, but you can read his body language...

Keira says: 'Can you read men's body language?'
Let's talk
Are you telling me the truth?
As I have already said, the most reliable signs of a person's true feelings are in their gestures. Women are better at lying than men because we are more skilled at reading emotions, so we are better equipped to manipulate with an appropriate lie. Thus, women tend to tell more complicated lies than men because women are generally better at it. The key signs of deceit, according to Allan and Barbara Pease, are symbolised by the three wise monkeys: hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil. In simple terms, when we see, speak or hear lies we are likely to attempt to cover our mouth, eyes or ears with our hands.

There are many signs to tell if someone is lying - from the mouth-cover, the nose-rub, the eye-rub, the ear-grab etc - but Allan points out, 'These gestures shouldn't be interpreted alone. They are part of a larger gesture cluster and you should take into account the overall context they are used in.'

So when you do meet someone you like the look of, be aware of the signals you are giving out and, just as importantly, the ones he is sending back. Don't simply rely on what he is saying - read his body language. The handsome stranger at the bar isn't going to stand a chance!

Further reading
The Definitive Book Of Body Language, published by Orion and Why Men Don't Listen And Women Can't Read Maps, published by Orion, both written by Allan and Barbara Pease.'
The graffiti artwork on my rooftop patio

warm and close.

I'm making this public because i don't mind sharing this with anyone.

So i just decided to write an E-Mail to Graham, pouring my heart out to him about all the important stuff, hoping that what I would say is what he needed to hear or something... i dont know...

Just as I felt I was almost finished, I started winding down the e-mail, writing:

"I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, i just feel the need to
relate all of this to you and say:
"hey, we're all rooting for you here, just like we're all rooting for
Andrej, just like we're all rooting for Matt, just like you're all
rooting for me, just like we're all rooting for this entire fucked up
human race""

and just as i finished writing that sentance, I burst into tears. that was about 5 minutes ago and there's still tears running down my face. i don't even ever remember having a good cry like this. I was not allowed.

it feels like so much pain has just been released. i can barely describe it. maybe i'll analyze this later. maybe i won't. all i know is that what needed to happen just happened.
The graffiti artwork on my rooftop patio

(no subject)

I am making this public because I want everyone who reads this to know where I'm coming from in creating this community

I was actually thinking of one of making one of the guidelines "Everyone has the right to attack any aspect of Eric's life and being" and solicit that massive assault upon myself.

Why? Because I really feel that I'm ready to own my shit. All the messed up things that I've thought about, done, experienced, witnessed or been any way affected by.

I'm ready to do the absolute best I can to not react defensively to things that I feel an emotional reaction to. I'm ready to not indulge the vampiric urges to force my advice on people, instead giving it only with their consent or request. (although I figure that most anything we post about ourselves on this community is asking for friendly and constructively-critical advice)

I'm ready to not be hurt when people use the things that I've revealed to them in an effort to communicate understanding against me.

I'm ready to admit the problems which I have with dealing with other people. How my issues with men relate to my father, how my issues with women relate to my mother, how i lash out with intense negativity, how i impose myself on people and steal their energy.

Yes, I'm still a fucked up human being. No matter how far we get in these healing efforts, living in this society, we will all still be fucked up human beings, asthat's the nature of the beast.

But I'm ready to do the best I can to take responsibility for all that i've been and all that I am. If I forget that, remind me that I wrote this.

With that being said, if any of you find the need to express negative feelings towards me, go for it, please. Tell me that you hate me and all the bastards like me. Tell me that you know what's best for me in my life. Tell me how disgusting you find me. Tell me how I remind me of your father and all that you hate about him.

But know that i will not hold you against it personally and that i will try to respond in a way that makes you feel the love, and makes you understand the dark place inside of you where that negativity looms.

I love you all,
The graffiti artwork on my rooftop patio

Defining the form that this community shall take.

I've been thinking what guidelines this community shall follow. I'm taking this very seriously. I think we're on to something very big with this Panel of Experts thing. It has great potential to heal anyone who has the courage to come into this community and be honest to themselves and the others.

Obviously we are dealing with VERY sensitive issues, which we must make every effort to deal with in such a way that everyone involved in this can attain great benefit from the discussions.

Guidelines and statement of intent to heal that I propose:
1) "Don't go there": Everyone has the right to say what personal characteristics, situations and past words or actions of theirs they DO NOT want Panel of Experted and other members should respect this. Comments or posts which violate this will be deleted, but users will not be banned for this reason.

2) Express your feelings and encourage others to do the same: When writing or responding to something which brings out a noticeable emotional response, try to honestly explain what you're feeling and the thoughts which you witness triggering and being associated with those feelings. This way, other members can offer their psychoanalytic interpretations of the emotions which you are describing, tell you how those feelings resonate with their own and we can be much more aware of the motivations which occur.

3)Investigation, not interrogation: If you find the need to forcefully try to get another member to admit something, chances are you're projecting your own complexes on them. If your intent is to lead another member to realize and consider something about themselves, a better approach is to ask them respectful questions that gives them room to explain themselves without pressure. If someone asks you a question that you think is motivated by their complexes, give them your analysis of that motivation and then answer the question only if you feel comfortable doing so. When making assertions about other members, it would probably work out better if language like "it seems", "it might be", "maybe", "have you considered that" would be used instead of or in conjunction with words such as: is, was, be, are, better, right, wrong, etc.

4) Try to understand and resolve why the words of other members hurt you: When you get hurt by something, it is because somebody pushed on your insecurities. Understand this. When people attack others, it is for the same reason. Understand that. It won't be productive for the community's communication, understanding or healing benefit if you hold grudges against the other members without trying to explain why you feel the way you do. This is the exact opposite of what we are trying to achieve.

5) If you want to create a new post about another member, limit your assumptions and projections and make it end with a compassionate question: This will show that you are truely trying to understand the other person and help them deal with whatever you are describing. It would really suck if this group was flooded with posts expressing only concepts such as "Eric is one walking talking insensitive phallus", "Matt is a two faced bastard", "Andrej is a psychopath" or "Nikki is manipulative bitch" or anything so mean spirited. These sorts of petty insults show more about the emotional problems of the one who insults rather than who they are describing. If you choose to label someone something try explaining, rationally, why you think they fit that catagorization of human being. </b>

6) Whenever you're able to, show your most sincere compassion and understanding and forgiveness: This is the only way the real healing will happen, when people expose their hurts to the group and are met with responses which make them feel loved and accepted for all their flaws, all their past actions and all which they feel they lack in life. You know you need it, so give it to others freely. Try not to criticize ones narcissism, you're narcissistic too and these egoistic tendancies will be brought into balance as we integrate our woundedness.

7) Own your shit: There's a big difference between analysis and laying blame. We need to take responsibility for our own healing and that any pain we feel might indeed be related to certain people, genders, ethnic groups or institutions, but the resolution comes when you acknowledge the things inside you that allow that pain to exist. Yes, men do fucked up things that hurt people. Yes, women do fucked up things that hurt people. Yes, you've done fucked up things that have hurt people. Yes, i can attest that I have done a whole shit load of fucked up things that have hurt people. Admitting this is very important, because we do all have pent up guilt, we do all have pent up shame, we do all have the need for love. We're all in this mess together. We're all here to make a conscious choice that we want to take all of the pain and work it out, so let's take responsibility for our own ability to do that for ourselves with a little help from our panel of expert friends.

These are merely guidelines, things to keep in mind, of course the emotions unleashed in the discussion will lead these to be broken VERY frequently. But keeping these in mind whenever you are consciously able to will keep negative feelings between members from escalating and healing and love flowing.

This is just a draft. Now I ask for your input about everything about what I have written above and a few questions below.

What should be the process of accepting and adding members to the community? Membership is currently by approval only. So far only myself, Matt, Nikki, Andrej and Thomo have been invited to join. I do intend to invite the two girls who were unwittingly brought into the start of what me and Andrej have done with the panel of experts, but I want to establish a positive environment before that, discuss with you what motivated my actions in those situations, own and investigate the reasons for the fucked up shit that i caused to happen, and make them feel that this is a place where they can heal as well and describe the experience they were having while the craziness was occuring, only if they want. I have a huge interest in helping both of these girls heal themselves and that was, even when the insane things i did were happening, always somewhere in my mind.

As for other people who want to join. I think anyone a member wants to invite should be welcomed. I think those who want to apply for membership should be asked something which explains why they want to be a part of the community and an example of how they have been manipulated by someone in the past, and an example of how they have manipulated someone in the past. If they can sincerely express those three things then I think they should be more welcome to join.

What should be the policy on public posts vs. private posts? My proposal: Most of you would make your posts "Friends Only" i would assume, so that only members of the Panel of Experts Community can read them. However, if a member really wants to share something with the public, it should be considered that:
a) other members probably don't want you sharing too many personal things that were admitted in confindence to the group in a public post so if you want to refer to a group member, use a fake name or no name
b) the few things that are posted publicly will heavily shape the perceptions that non-members have of the group. we want it to be clear that the intent is healing and understanding and that the disputes or pains that are experienced in the process of all of this are only bumps and detours (and sometimes even shortcuts) along the road to self-understanding and healing.
c) public posts that contain negative depictions and descriptions experiences with any sort sexuality will make passerbys uncomfortable. We all have feelings of shame regarding sex. All of us. It's part of being a member of this insane civilization, that's why we all don't not wear clothes in public. We can talk about things like childhood sexual experiences, sexual abuse/assault/harassment, 'abnormal' sexual desires, pornography, the thought of senior citizens/clowns/politicians/midgets having sex, etc, but I think it's best if we keep that in the part of this community that the world doesn't get to see.

I think that all posts that are intentionally made public should be started or ended with "I'm making this post public because...(explanation)" so that I can discern whether or not it being public is an accident that i should change and whether or not the person posting thought enough about how that post represents the work of the community.

What should the process of banning users entail? One thing that I think must be absolute about this: If a member, in any way shape or form, write down things that people have revealed in this community using their name or LJ user name and I find out about it, especially if the member's expressing a negative opinion, then they will be bannedfrom the community. perhaps in such an event the member should be allowed in again once they send an apology and explanation and it is discussed by the community and a majority (say two thirds) of the members approve the reacceptance.

I have decided that I shall be the only moderator of the group for the time being. I know what you're thinking. "this is going to be fucked up" but well, i've changed a lot recently. let's see what happens. I will do my best to be a benevolent dictator, with my cancer ascendant sensitivity and motherly love and my libra moon diplomacy and rationalizing tendancies keeping my aries shit in balance to the point where only the positive initiative leadership qualities of my sun sign effect the way I run the community. If you don't like the way I run the community, you are welcome to leave whenever you want, even though i will be saddened by that, you are welcome to request to re-join, which will likely make me inspired towards the power of healing and understanding. Let me tell you that I never delete anyone from my livejournal accounts if they dont' first because I am so sensitive to and concerned with the way that someone saying "I don't want you to be a part of my world anymore" can hurt and would rather scroll over pages and pages of LJ entries that don't interest me than hurt someone's feelings like that. Give me a chance and I'll be fair, and I'll always answer questions about why i made the choices i made in doing the things that i did.

So... what do you think of these principles that I have laid out? What do you feel? What do you wonder? What do you worry? What do you think can be removed from this? What should be added, changed, etc? Let's discuss.

With love,