An icon appropriate to the love of the pussy (since I embrace it!)
And I know, you see that I'm close to Matt and have a certain influence that you don't, and you want him all to yourself
I really hope I don't come across as that, since that's not at all what I'm about. I'm delighted that Matt has you as a friend, and Graham, and Thom, and all sorts of people! I don't at all want him for myself, and I realize how important it is for him to have friends, especially male ones. I can't offer Matt everything, and I wouldn't ever presume to believe that I can.
I mentioned to Matt last night that to me you and I offer Matt very different things. You offer him insight in to a part of his life that I could never touch. It's a pety example, but I've never done "hard" drugs, and you two have experienced that together and apart -- that's your thing, and I respect that. I think you very much speak to a part of Matt that I cannot.
I don't want him all to myself. I was actually very happy that he'd seen you the other day, and was delighted to hear of the experience you'd shared (I don't know the details, only that there was a powerful exchange). I want that, it's growth for Matt, it's transformation! I love him with all my heart, and want the best for him, and growth is just that, regardless of whether he gets it apart from me.
Men like myself, Matt and Andrej, how to explain it... in regards to women, we fear them yet we long to be enveloped in their essence. for us it's so intense for us because of the way our mothers desperately depended on us for love and thus the so pervasive nature of the love they gave in return.
And for me, it's a reaction to my father. You're right that there's projection, especially when I talk about you and other women. I'm viewing it as a woman, and I'm viewing it with the information Petra gave me -- not your own. She opened up to me about some things and that's what I'm basing my knowledge off of, and my own knowledge in the field (since I was hurt by a lot of men, my father, brothers and others)
Likewise, it wasn't about calling you a dick (in the sense that a dick implies that you're a bad person), it's about the symbolism, and in relation to how you treated Petra that's very much how I viewed your role. It seemed to be very much one of conquering -- which is natural to men, it's imbedded in the fact that you have a cock! But I think that what is important is to move beyond being a "dick", which involves respect and understanding of the woman. If you're moving beyond what happened with Petra, then I applaud you. (And I don't necessarily disagree with your motivations, but I very strongly disagree with how you and Andrej went about "helping" her.)
You're not automatically clumped in to that for life, and I strongly encourage you to move past it since it's completely necessary to gain a higher enlightenment with regards to that area. I said it to bring your attention to it in a brutal manner because I knew it would cut, you'd listen. And certainly you're right, aspects of me very much embody the pussy, but not to a fault.
And for the record: I've never thought you were trying to turn Matt against me, that's a silly supposition. You can't. Even if Matt turned against me as a result of an idea you'd postulated, the decision would be his. Matt's not a drone, Matt's not stupid; Matt makes his decisions and I realize that.
I'm also very proud of what Matt and I have, and I think it's a beautiful thing. We've both come very far as individuals, and though there's still a long road ahead of us both as individuals and together (if that's the path we take) I think that the relationships he and I form will very much aid that journey. We know ourselves well enough to ally ourselves with people that can offer us something. It's something I've struggled with, and I'm in the process of clipping away the dead leaves, so to speak, in terms of relationships.