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I am making this public because I want everyone who reads this to… - "Why???" [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Panel of Experts

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[Oct. 21st, 2005|10:30 pm]
Panel of Experts


I am making this public because I want everyone who reads this to know where I'm coming from in creating this community

I was actually thinking of one of making one of the guidelines "Everyone has the right to attack any aspect of Eric's life and being" and solicit that massive assault upon myself.

Why? Because I really feel that I'm ready to own my shit. All the messed up things that I've thought about, done, experienced, witnessed or been any way affected by.

I'm ready to do the absolute best I can to not react defensively to things that I feel an emotional reaction to. I'm ready to not indulge the vampiric urges to force my advice on people, instead giving it only with their consent or request. (although I figure that most anything we post about ourselves on this community is asking for friendly and constructively-critical advice)

I'm ready to not be hurt when people use the things that I've revealed to them in an effort to communicate understanding against me.

I'm ready to admit the problems which I have with dealing with other people. How my issues with men relate to my father, how my issues with women relate to my mother, how i lash out with intense negativity, how i impose myself on people and steal their energy.

Yes, I'm still a fucked up human being. No matter how far we get in these healing efforts, living in this society, we will all still be fucked up human beings, asthat's the nature of the beast.

But I'm ready to do the best I can to take responsibility for all that i've been and all that I am. If I forget that, remind me that I wrote this.

With that being said, if any of you find the need to express negative feelings towards me, go for it, please. Tell me that you hate me and all the bastards like me. Tell me that you know what's best for me in my life. Tell me how disgusting you find me. Tell me how I remind me of your father and all that you hate about him.

But know that i will not hold you against it personally and that i will try to respond in a way that makes you feel the love, and makes you understand the dark place inside of you where that negativity looms.

I love you all,

[User Picture]From: ambrosialvision
2005-10-22 05:02 am (UTC)
An icon appropriate to the love of the pussy (since I embrace it!)

And I know, you see that I'm close to Matt and have a certain influence that you don't, and you want him all to yourself

I really hope I don't come across as that, since that's not at all what I'm about. I'm delighted that Matt has you as a friend, and Graham, and Thom, and all sorts of people! I don't at all want him for myself, and I realize how important it is for him to have friends, especially male ones. I can't offer Matt everything, and I wouldn't ever presume to believe that I can.

I mentioned to Matt last night that to me you and I offer Matt very different things. You offer him insight in to a part of his life that I could never touch. It's a pety example, but I've never done "hard" drugs, and you two have experienced that together and apart -- that's your thing, and I respect that. I think you very much speak to a part of Matt that I cannot.

I don't want him all to myself. I was actually very happy that he'd seen you the other day, and was delighted to hear of the experience you'd shared (I don't know the details, only that there was a powerful exchange). I want that, it's growth for Matt, it's transformation! I love him with all my heart, and want the best for him, and growth is just that, regardless of whether he gets it apart from me.

Men like myself, Matt and Andrej, how to explain it... in regards to women, we fear them yet we long to be enveloped in their essence. for us it's so intense for us because of the way our mothers desperately depended on us for love and thus the so pervasive nature of the love they gave in return.

And for me, it's a reaction to my father. You're right that there's projection, especially when I talk about you and other women. I'm viewing it as a woman, and I'm viewing it with the information Petra gave me -- not your own. She opened up to me about some things and that's what I'm basing my knowledge off of, and my own knowledge in the field (since I was hurt by a lot of men, my father, brothers and others)

Likewise, it wasn't about calling you a dick (in the sense that a dick implies that you're a bad person), it's about the symbolism, and in relation to how you treated Petra that's very much how I viewed your role. It seemed to be very much one of conquering -- which is natural to men, it's imbedded in the fact that you have a cock! But I think that what is important is to move beyond being a "dick", which involves respect and understanding of the woman. If you're moving beyond what happened with Petra, then I applaud you. (And I don't necessarily disagree with your motivations, but I very strongly disagree with how you and Andrej went about "helping" her.)

You're not automatically clumped in to that for life, and I strongly encourage you to move past it since it's completely necessary to gain a higher enlightenment with regards to that area. I said it to bring your attention to it in a brutal manner because I knew it would cut, you'd listen. And certainly you're right, aspects of me very much embody the pussy, but not to a fault.

And for the record: I've never thought you were trying to turn Matt against me, that's a silly supposition. You can't. Even if Matt turned against me as a result of an idea you'd postulated, the decision would be his. Matt's not a drone, Matt's not stupid; Matt makes his decisions and I realize that.

I'm also very proud of what Matt and I have, and I think it's a beautiful thing. We've both come very far as individuals, and though there's still a long road ahead of us both as individuals and together (if that's the path we take) I think that the relationships he and I form will very much aid that journey. We know ourselves well enough to ally ourselves with people that can offer us something. It's something I've struggled with, and I'm in the process of clipping away the dead leaves, so to speak, in terms of relationships.
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