I'm glad to feel that you now have some more understanding of the path i'm on and what point on it i'm at. understanding is what this whole thing is all about, so that we don't fall into the same cycles that we've been living for so so so many years. When I was reading all those comments you sent me earlier this morning, I didn't really feel that you understood the way that I, and men in general struggle with sexuality and life in general as much as women do, they just don't reveal it in the same way.
I try to be quite in touch with the feminine sides of myself as well, it's just not as apparent in the way I present myself online maybe. And I know, you see that I'm close to Matt and have a certain influence that you don't, and you want him all to yourself, I understand that, he's a great guy, and he has lots of love to give you, but you just have to share... trust that he knows what's right for himself, and then trust you shall recieve back, yes, there's still longing and insecurity present when you do that, but slowly we can grow to understand these things in ourselves. own that stuff.
Men like myself, Matt and Andrej, how to explain it... in regards to women, we fear them yet we long to be enveloped in their essence. for us it's so intense for us because of the way our mothers desperately depended on us for love and thus the so pervasive nature of the love they gave in return. it's a dichotomy of sorts. our love is skewed and tainted by society (and through indoctrination even our own mothers) telling us that sexuality has so much 'wrong' in it, that it is wrong to express it openly, while at the same time us knowing that it is so much of our essence, that it is our very core. so we want to express it, but at the same time our oath to our culture demands that we give so much of that energy to it, not a lover. so it's a polarity, an intense one, making split personalities almost, in psychoanalysis, pertaining to women and their ways of dealing with this polarity they call this the virgin/whore split. I don't think they have a name for the same thing in men, but it is embodied in the way that we tend to either seek love or run away from it.
This morning I recieved a message in which you called me a dick. Am I offended? Not at all. I own that shit, literally. Culture tells me to be ashamed of my penis/sexuality... and I'm struggling to deprogram that shit. You called me a dick saying. "A dick is someone who gets in, conquers, gets what he needs, and gets out." But that inclination comes from the denial of sexuality and suppression of the power of the union between man and woman. Civilization needs to keep the dick and the pussy apart as much as possible.
Perhaps if I'm a dick, then you're a pussy. Reverse the definition that you gave me and use it to understand yourself and your own motivations. Culture tells you to live in fear of men and their penises. But then you get it, and it's the most wonderful thing in the world. You want to hold on. But you can't, and you know you can't. Hence the fear. Hence the need to cling and take as much as you can of that.
So rather than focusing on the negative alienated-from-the-opposite-sex tendancies of being dicks and pussies, let's focus on the positive. That the union of the two is the most sacred thing and the very source and essence of life. Be proud.
Nikki, you're a pussy.
But in the way most people use that word as an insult, you're not at all. That much is evident in the fact that you have joined this community. You've got lots of courage and I have a lot of respect for the relationship that you have with Matt and have never wanted to interfere with it, turn him against you or anything like that, because I feel it's what you both need, and that you've both helped eachother a lot. The way that you guys reach a deep rational understanding after your conflicts is something I really admire.
Once again, thank you. I'm so glad we can commune like this, outside of the entirely narcissistic and self indulgent contexts of our personal journals. Everyone on LJ is a flaming narcissist, and that's what I love about it.
An icon appropriate to the love of the pussy (since I embrace it!)
And I know, you see that I'm close to Matt and have a certain influence that you don't, and you want him all to yourself
I really hope I don't come across as that, since that's not at all what I'm about. I'm delighted that Matt has you as a friend, and Graham, and Thom, and all sorts of people! I don't at all want him for myself, and I realize how important it is for him to have friends, especially male ones. I can't offer Matt everything, and I wouldn't ever presume to believe that I can.
I mentioned to Matt last night that to me you and I offer Matt very different things. You offer him insight in to a part of his life that I could never touch. It's a pety example, but I've never done "hard" drugs, and you two have experienced that together and apart -- that's your thing, and I respect that. I think you very much speak to a part of Matt that I cannot.
I don't want him all to myself. I was actually very happy that he'd seen you the other day, and was delighted to hear of the experience you'd shared (I don't know the details, only that there was a powerful exchange). I want that, it's growth for Matt, it's transformation! I love him with all my heart, and want the best for him, and growth is just that, regardless of whether he gets it apart from me.
Men like myself, Matt and Andrej, how to explain it... in regards to women, we fear them yet we long to be enveloped in their essence. for us it's so intense for us because of the way our mothers desperately depended on us for love and thus the so pervasive nature of the love they gave in return.
And for me, it's a reaction to my father. You're right that there's projection, especially when I talk about you and other women. I'm viewing it as a woman, and I'm viewing it with the information Petra gave me -- not your own. She opened up to me about some things and that's what I'm basing my knowledge off of, and my own knowledge in the field (since I was hurt by a lot of men, my father, brothers and others)
Likewise, it wasn't about calling you a dick (in the sense that a dick implies that you're a bad person), it's about the symbolism, and in relation to how you treated Petra that's very much how I viewed your role. It seemed to be very much one of conquering -- which is natural to men, it's imbedded in the fact that you have a cock! But I think that what is important is to move beyond being a "dick", which involves respect and understanding of the woman. If you're moving beyond what happened with Petra, then I applaud you. (And I don't necessarily disagree with your motivations, but I very strongly disagree with how you and Andrej went about "helping" her.)
You're not automatically clumped in to that for life, and I strongly encourage you to move past it since it's completely necessary to gain a higher enlightenment with regards to that area. I said it to bring your attention to it in a brutal manner because I knew it would cut, you'd listen. And certainly you're right, aspects of me very much embody the pussy, but not to a fault.
And for the record: I've never thought you were trying to turn Matt against me, that's a silly supposition. You can't. Even if Matt turned against me as a result of an idea you'd postulated, the decision would be his. Matt's not a drone, Matt's not stupid; Matt makes his decisions and I realize that.
I'm also very proud of what Matt and I have, and I think it's a beautiful thing. We've both come very far as individuals, and though there's still a long road ahead of us both as individuals and together (if that's the path we take) I think that the relationships he and I form will very much aid that journey. We know ourselves well enough to ally ourselves with people that can offer us something. It's something I've struggled with, and I'm in the process of clipping away the dead leaves, so to speak, in terms of relationships.
Geeze, I over go over the word limit with you lately. Here's the rest:
But please keep in mind that the things I've said were not meant to hurt you, they're meant to help you (even if they hurt in the process, I do have a scorpio ascendant, after all). I genuinely would love to help you, and I think that the female imput (especially coming from where I've been) could be very valuable to you.
There's a lot of "maleness" (in terms of societally-constructed linguistic structure and symbolism) in what you and Andrej do, and I do think it lacks the touch of feminitity in so far as it's rational, it's cold, it's distant. It's what I take issue with in the whole "Panel of Experts" thing. But people are still people, and still need to be treated with comfort, understanding and appreciation; the softer things that the female aspect tends to personify.
I'm curious though...what makes you think that I want to own Matt; to have him all for myself?
I'm glad to feel that you now have some more understanding of the path i'm on and what point on it i'm at.
I don't, and I know that I don't. I barely know you. It's been a great experience to get to know you, especially on the few instances that I've seen you in person, but I know that I know very little about you.
What I know comes from outside sources, and so is inately biased (though not usually in Matt's case, he's pretty cut and dry about things).
You're free to tell me whatever you want me to know. What do you believe I need to know in order to know you, Eric?
Nikki, adding you.
Yesssss...there's a woman who's a part of this panel of experts community.
"There's a lot of "maleness" (in terms of societally-constructed linguistic structure and symbolism) in what you and Andrej do, and I do think it lacks the touch of feminitity in so far as it's rational, it's cold, it's distant. It's what I take issue with in the whole "Panel of Experts" thing."
Do explain. I'm interested.
Andrej, as I said to Nikki, this sort of indepth and character related discussion is for the members only section of the community. Since you are a not a member, your replies are screened by default.
Please join the group and put it in a post marked 'friends only' if you want to continue this discussion.
Nikki, please do not talk about individual LJ people by name in the public posts in this forum.
If you want to discuss these issues, please do so in a new post.