|Defining the form that this community shall take.
||[Oct. 21st, 2005|10:11 pm]
Panel of Experts
I've been thinking what guidelines this community shall follow. I'm taking this very seriously. I think we're on to something very big with this Panel of Experts thing. It has great potential to heal anyone who has the courage to come into this community and be honest to themselves and the others.|
Obviously we are dealing with VERY sensitive issues, which we must make every effort to deal with in such a way that everyone involved in this can attain great benefit from the discussions.
Guidelines and statement of intent to heal that I propose:
1) "Don't go there": Everyone has the right to say what personal characteristics, situations and past words or actions of theirs they DO NOT want Panel of Experted and other members should respect this. Comments or posts which violate this will be deleted, but users will not be banned for this reason.
2) Express your feelings and encourage others to do the same: When writing or responding to something which brings out a noticeable emotional response, try to honestly explain what you're feeling and the thoughts which you witness triggering and being associated with those feelings. This way, other members can offer their psychoanalytic interpretations of the emotions which you are describing, tell you how those feelings resonate with their own and we can be much more aware of the motivations which occur.
3)Investigation, not interrogation: If you find the need to forcefully try to get another member to admit something, chances are you're projecting your own complexes on them. If your intent is to lead another member to realize and consider something about themselves, a better approach is to ask them respectful questions that gives them room to explain themselves without pressure. If someone asks you a question that you think is motivated by their complexes, give them your analysis of that motivation and then answer the question only if you feel comfortable doing so. When making assertions about other members, it would probably work out better if language like "it seems", "it might be", "maybe", "have you considered that" would be used instead of or in conjunction with words such as: is, was, be, are, better, right, wrong, etc.
4) Try to understand and resolve why the words of other members hurt you: When you get hurt by something, it is because somebody pushed on your insecurities. Understand this. When people attack others, it is for the same reason. Understand that. It won't be productive for the community's communication, understanding or healing benefit if you hold grudges against the other members without trying to explain why you feel the way you do. This is the exact opposite of what we are trying to achieve.
5) If you want to create a new post about another member, limit your assumptions and projections and make it end with a compassionate question: This will show that you are truely trying to understand the other person and help them deal with whatever you are describing. It would really suck if this group was flooded with posts expressing only concepts such as "Eric is one walking talking insensitive phallus", "Matt is a two faced bastard", "Andrej is a psychopath" or "Nikki is manipulative bitch" or anything so mean spirited. These sorts of petty insults show more about the emotional problems of the one who insults rather than who they are describing. If you choose to label someone something try explaining, rationally, why you think they fit that catagorization of human being. </b>
6) Whenever you're able to, show your most sincere compassion and understanding and forgiveness: This is the only way the real healing will happen, when people expose their hurts to the group and are met with responses which make them feel loved and accepted for all their flaws, all their past actions and all which they feel they lack in life. You know you need it, so give it to others freely. Try not to criticize ones narcissism, you're narcissistic too and these egoistic tendancies will be brought into balance as we integrate our woundedness.
7) Own your shit: There's a big difference between analysis and laying blame. We need to take responsibility for our own healing and that any pain we feel might indeed be related to certain people, genders, ethnic groups or institutions, but the resolution comes when you acknowledge the things inside you that allow that pain to exist. Yes, men do fucked up things that hurt people. Yes, women do fucked up things that hurt people. Yes, you've done fucked up things that have hurt people. Yes, i can attest that I have done a whole shit load of fucked up things that have hurt people. Admitting this is very important, because we do all have pent up guilt, we do all have pent up shame, we do all have the need for love. We're all in this mess together. We're all here to make a conscious choice that we want to take all of the pain and work it out, so let's take responsibility for our own ability to do that for ourselves with a little help from our panel of expert friends.
These are merely guidelines, things to keep in mind, of course the emotions unleashed in the discussion will lead these to be broken VERY frequently. But keeping these in mind whenever you are consciously able to will keep negative feelings between members from escalating and healing and love flowing.
This is just a draft. Now I ask for your input about everything about what I have written above and a few questions below.
What should be the process of accepting and adding members to the community? Membership is currently by approval only. So far only myself, Matt, Nikki, Andrej and Thomo have been invited to join. I do intend to invite the two girls who were unwittingly brought into the start of what me and Andrej have done with the panel of experts, but I want to establish a positive environment before that, discuss with you what motivated my actions in those situations, own and investigate the reasons for the fucked up shit that i caused to happen, and make them feel that this is a place where they can heal as well and describe the experience they were having while the craziness was occuring, only if they want. I have a huge interest in helping both of these girls heal themselves and that was, even when the insane things i did were happening, always somewhere in my mind.
As for other people who want to join. I think anyone a member wants to invite should be welcomed. I think those who want to apply for membership should be asked something which explains why they want to be a part of the community and an example of how they have been manipulated by someone in the past, and an example of how they have manipulated someone in the past. If they can sincerely express those three things then I think they should be more welcome to join.
What should be the policy on public posts vs. private posts? My proposal: Most of you would make your posts "Friends Only" i would assume, so that only members of the Panel of Experts Community can read them. However, if a member really wants to share something with the public, it should be considered that:
a) other members probably don't want you sharing too many personal things that were admitted in confindence to the group in a public post so if you want to refer to a group member, use a fake name or no name
b) the few things that are posted publicly will heavily shape the perceptions that non-members have of the group. we want it to be clear that the intent is healing and understanding and that the disputes or pains that are experienced in the process of all of this are only bumps and detours (and sometimes even shortcuts) along the road to self-understanding and healing.
c) public posts that contain negative depictions and descriptions experiences with any sort sexuality will make passerbys uncomfortable. We all have feelings of shame regarding sex. All of us. It's part of being a member of this insane civilization, that's why we all don't not wear clothes in public. We can talk about things like childhood sexual experiences, sexual abuse/assault/harassment, 'abnormal' sexual desires, pornography, the thought of senior citizens/clowns/politicians/midgets having sex, etc, but I think it's best if we keep that in the part of this community that the world doesn't get to see.
I think that all posts that are intentionally made public should be started or ended with "I'm making this post public because...(explanation)" so that I can discern whether or not it being public is an accident that i should change and whether or not the person posting thought enough about how that post represents the work of the community.
What should the process of banning users entail? One thing that I think must be absolute about this: If a member, in any way shape or form, write down things that people have revealed in this community using their name or LJ user name and I find out about it, especially if the member's expressing a negative opinion, then they will be bannedfrom the community. perhaps in such an event the member should be allowed in again once they send an apology and explanation and it is discussed by the community and a majority (say two thirds) of the members approve the reacceptance.
I have decided that I shall be the only moderator of the group for the time being. I know what you're thinking. "this is going to be fucked up" but well, i've changed a lot recently. let's see what happens. I will do my best to be a benevolent dictator, with my cancer ascendant sensitivity and motherly love and my libra moon diplomacy and rationalizing tendancies keeping my aries shit in balance to the point where only the positive initiative leadership qualities of my sun sign effect the way I run the community. If you don't like the way I run the community, you are welcome to leave whenever you want, even though i will be saddened by that, you are welcome to request to re-join, which will likely make me inspired towards the power of healing and understanding. Let me tell you that I never delete anyone from my livejournal accounts if they dont' first because I am so sensitive to and concerned with the way that someone saying "I don't want you to be a part of my world anymore" can hurt and would rather scroll over pages and pages of LJ entries that don't interest me than hurt someone's feelings like that. Give me a chance and I'll be fair, and I'll always answer questions about why i made the choices i made in doing the things that i did.
So... what do you think of these principles that I have laid out? What do you feel? What do you wonder? What do you worry? What do you think can be removed from this? What should be added, changed, etc? Let's discuss.